That's right! I'll be leaving on a jet plane on July 4th, seeing my sweet Alina's face for the first time on the morning of July 5th!!! It seems so surreal! I just keep asking myself, "Is this really happening? Am I really going to fly half way around the world to meet this little girl that was meant to be my daughter? Will she know that I'm her forever Mama? Does she have any idea how much her life is going to change in the coming days, months, years? Do I know how much my life is going to change in the coming days, months years?" I don't know....she doesn't know...but I guess we'll find out together.
I've not let myself get excited about the prospect of becoming a mother..especially when I was in line for China. Emotionally, I've cut myself off from those feelings because I knew that it would be years before I would see my daughters face. I did it to preserve my sanity. But now, all those emotions that I've been holding back for 3 years have suddenly surfaced just in the past two days. In other words...I'M A WRECK!!! But, in a good way, if that makes any sense at all. I find myself crying at the stupidest things....a song I've her a gazillion times that has never gotten to me suddenly has me weeping my heart out. A commercial on television that I've seen a hundred times suddenly has new meaning to me and touches my heart in a way it never did before. I make to do lists everyday to try to keep myself on track but I just seem to ramble around the house in this daze and hardly get anything accomplished. What are these feelings? What is this state of mind that has me in a daze? How long is it going to last? What in the hell am I doing? This line of questioning could go on for hours, weeks, days. Will I ever find the answer to them? Is there an answer to them?
All I know is that I just want to get on that plane, travel for 34 hours, and meet this beautiful little girl that I've only connected with in pictures over the last one year and four months. My heart aches to do this. It's been aching for 3 years...ever since I started this adoption journey in Oct. '06. And now, it's finally happening. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting bigger....this adoption rollercoaster is rounding the last curve and just about to pull into the station. Am I ready to burst out of the tunnel into the light? Am I ready to disembark off this ride? Even in this daze, through all the questions that I have in my head............YES...with a resounding yell...YES!!!
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