Monday, August 10, 2009

I was met by a teary eyed child today. It’s been three days since we’ve seen each other and I think she thought I was not coming back. It really just broke my heart but there’s not much I can do about it. This is the first time that we’ve not seen other for that length of time. I’ll be going to see her Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from now on. Visiting every other day seems to be ok. It was like that last week. I think even two days will be somewhat ok. I will never go without seeing her for three days ever again! It’s not good for her or me.
Today visit was a rough one. I think Alina was mad at me for not coming to see her. She was a handful to handle today. The tricycles were outside and she wanted to ride one of them. Ok…no problem. She’s barely tall enough to get on one and in fact, I had to help her get on and off of them most of the day. She doesn’t quite understand how to peddle the tricycle with her own feet so I had to push her on it. Well, she would let me push her for a few minutes then she would scream to me not to help her. When I didn’t help her, all she could do was just sit on the tricycle because she didn’t know how to peddle to make it move. Then I would get screamed at by Alina because I wasn’t helping her. It was a vicious cycle and one I did not enjoy. Finally, I got fed up being screamed at and walked away. More crying and screaming and pleading me not to leave. What to you want kid!!!??!!! I don’t know how many times I said that today! Then, she got on a battery powered motorcycle. The battery, of course, was totally dead so I had to push her. This vehicle was close enough to the ground were she could get off and on by herself. She had to let me push her on this one because there were no peddles and the only way she could ride it was for me to push her. She would ride that for a while and then she would get back on the tricycle. Again with the crying and screaming for me to help her and for me not to help her. I finally walked away for good and let her pout. She had sit down in the walkway in front of the gazebo and was just sitting there. I told Shirin she was pouting and to just leave her alone. Well, that lasted all of two minutes and Shirin went over to her and asked her if she would like to go play in the sandbox. I wish she would not do that. Alina needs to realize that she can’t have her way all the time. I didn’t say anything to Shirin and I started to take the sandbox toys out of the plastic bag that I carry her toys in. NO……Alina wanted to take the entire bag and when I started taking things out of it, she began throwing another fit. Fine…we’ll take the entire stinking bag to the sandbox. I start walking toward the sandbox without Alina. She calls out to me to wait for her and she holds out her hand for me to hold. That was a surprise considering how she had been acting toward me today. We get to the sandbox and I start taking out the toys we use to play in the sand. NO….Alina wants to take everything out of the bag and I put my foot down and said no…joq! Well, you thought I had cut her arm off or something! She sat down on the ground and started wailing and crying. We were by ourselves because Shirin needed to stay at the gazebo. Another adoptive family left their things there so she stayed to watch them. By this time, I’ve had enough crying and wailing. I gather the toys up and put them back in the bag. While I’m doing this, Alina pulls at her pants which is a signal to me that she needs to go to the bathroom. We had just been five minutes before so I knew she didn’t have to go. I told her no she wasn’t going to the bathroom. More crying and wailing because she’s not getting what she wants. I put my purse on my shoulder, grab the toy bag, and pick up a protesting child whose hands are now in fists and trying to fight me off. Man was I mad! If we would have been at home and she pulled stunts like she pulled today, this child would have been sequestered in her room with a red bottom. I’d had it by this point! This five year old was not winning today! I picked my protesting child up and we headed back to the gazebo. Ten steps later, no more crying, no more flailing the fisted hands. Did I win this battle? I can’t quite tell. We were walking by her group when all of the protesting stopped so did she stop because she knew she had lost the battle or did she stop to put on a good face in front of her group? Who knows!!! But, there were no more tears or fighting after this sandbox incident. We get back to the gazebo and Alina climbs on the motorcycle with the dead battery. I start to push her and we went all the way around the orphanage…no complaining, no tears at all this time. Did I have a chameleon on my hands here or what? Was I being punished by her actions today because I hadn’t visited her for three days? Someone help me out here!?! On one hand, I feel so guilty that I couldn’t see her for three days and I made her feel like I was not coming back. What must have been going through that little head of hers? What did I do wrong that my Mama is not coming back to see me? Will I ever see my Mama again? On the other hand, and I’ve said this before, this days and weeks we are spending together are just drops in the bucket to how much time we will have together. I know that even though we do not see each other every day, we are bonding as mother and daughter. So, do I just bide my time, overlook the actions of my darling little cherub while we are here in Kaz, and wait until we get home to do our actual bonding? It’s obvious that she thinks of me as her mother because she “brags” about it to everyone she sees. She always points out the fact that “This is my mother” when someone asks her, to someone she hasn’t seen before, and especially to her group…i.e….I think she likes me. Bonding is an on going process that takes some time to get through. I don’t expect us to complete our bonding process while we are here but I want to make a good start at it. I think we’ve done that and I just hope it continues. But, after today, I’m a little worried about it. For those who have been there and done this, please offer me your words of wisdom on what went on today…the good and the bad. I want to hear it all!
By the time we had finished out round the orphanage trip on the motorcycle, it was time for Alina to go have lunch. I hadn’t had a chance to put anything on her face today so I wanted to do that before I took her up to her group. Protest, protest, protest but Mama won. I asked her if she was hungry, “Ahsh soon ba” and she said “yeah”. I started to walk toward the wooden double doors of the orphanage. My little darling of a stinker reached those tiny impish hands up at me and wanted to be carried. I always carry her up to her room when it’s time for us to say our goodbyes. So, of course, I pick my baby up and we head upstairs. I sit her down in front of the doorway of her room and her roommates are already in their undies and eating their lunch. Alina starts into the room but I call her back and tell her she needs to take her clothes off. She comes back to me, pulls her shoes off, I help her out of her shirt and pants. She goes striding to her chair only in her undies where her bowl of cabbage soup and piece of bread are waiting for her. After I see that she has sat down at the table, I start to leave. I see her turn her head toward the doorway to look at me. She waves and says “Sow bull” to me and I say “bye bye” and head back down to the gazebo.
At this point, I am exhausted! I’ve fought with Alina for the past hour and a half, I’m sweaty from pushing or not pushing her, and I wore pants today and it’s hot! I’m ready for a beer and it’s only 11:30 am! I get back to the gazebo and Janette is helping another adoptive family with their adoption while their coordinator is out of town. The adoption story of the Miller family is another post in itself. Just let me say it’s been extremely hard on the Millers and the child they want to adopt and it’s not getting any easier. They are in my thoughts and prayers everyday that the rest of their adoption process goes smoothly and quickly. Once Janette has talked with the administration of the baby house, we hop in the minivan and head out. I asked Shirin to ask Janette if she has heard any word on a court date for me. After all, she did say Saturday that she might know something today. Not yet was the reply but we should be hearing something this week. We drop Shirin off close to her home and I’m dropped off at the hotel. Thanks be to God that I left the AC going in the room while I was visiting the munchkin!
That’s all for today……until Wednesday…..

Cheers,
Kim and Alina