Monday, July 13, 2009

What a day! Today was absolutely the best day Alina and I have had together. I am truly feeling like this little angel is my daughter and I think it’s vice versa. I can tell she is trusting me more and more with each day. She let’s me hold her things I bring her. That’s a big step for her. As I’ve said before, she’s had to fight for everything she’s ever had and is very possessive of her things. The fact that she is willing to let me hold them is a huge step in the trust department. She will also look me in the eye and speak to me. Of course, I have no clue as to what she is saying. I just say yes and nod my head, laugh if she laughs, or make a loud noise if she makes one. It seems to be enough for her.
In the past few days, it seems like she was feeling frustrated. I’m sure she has no idea of what’s going on in that little head of hers. She’s been a little whiney and stand offish the last few days but not today! It was all about Mama and Alina!
We actually got to spend some time alone today. Janette and Shirin had to go do some paperwork in Taraz so they took the taxi that brought us to Umit and left. I was a little nervous about being alone with Alina with no one to translate for her or me. But, in just a few moments, we both seemed to relax and just started enjoying one another. It was a great moment when that happened! I could just feel it…it was just this sense of calmness that came over me (I know that may sound hokey but I’m just describing what I felt). Alina may have picked up on that sense of calmness too and it may have helped her to relax as well. It was such a wonderful feeling for both of us!
She let me hold her a lot more than usual. She WANTED me to hold her. And, without hesitation, I picked her up every time she reached for me. She sat on my lap, willingly, and we read a book that I brought today. It was one of my Little Golden Books from when I was Alina’s age. This one was titled Pooh meets Gopher. She pointed at Rabbit and said the word rabbit in Kazak. She LOVES books! I’m so happy about that (and Grandma will be too!!). She loves to open the book and flip the pages one by one. She does this a lot with the photo albums I brought for her as well.
She is not only letting me hold her more but she is also wanting to be near me more. Usually, she will want to take her things and go to the other side of the gazebo and play by herself. I usually follow her and sit close by. Today, there was not so much of that. She still did not play right beside me but there was far less playing across the room. Another step toward trusting me I think.
She had to go to the bathroom again during our visit. As we walked into the regular bathroom, she starts fussing and crying again. This little one has never used a real toilet before as I had mentioned yesterday. I’m not really suppose to take her upstairs to her bathroom in her room. I found out yesterday that I’m really not allowed to be in her groups’ playroom or bedroom. Oops! Didn’t realize that but what am I to do now? She won’t use the real toilet and she is dying to go to the bathroom. I just told myself, “Screw it. It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.” So, I took her upstairs to her room, we used the same little red potty that we used yesterday and everything was fine. I said hello to the nanny’s on the way in and goodbye on the way out. I’ll probably be in trouble tomorrow but I guess I’ll face the consequences then. I just hope they are not too steep.
I taught Alina how to say please today. I always bring her treats and some type of drink…tea or juice. While we were by ourselves, I got a small, slender cracker topped with a few poppy seeds out of the treat bag and held it up in front of her. Before she could have it, I told her that she had to say please. She protested for a second and said, “up-te-a” which means “give it to me” in Kazak. I shook my head no and said “joq” and then said again, “say please’. She looked at me with those big brown eyes and the sweetest little voice you’ve ever heard said, “peeeeze”. I absolutely lost it! I was giggling and laughing and Alina probably thought her Mama had lost her mind!. I, of course, gave her the cracker, told her “jaqsy” (jahk-sa which means good in Kazak), and she went on her merry way back to her book. I brought tea for her to drink today and also a cup. Since she really doesn’t know how to drink out of a plastic bottle, I figured the cup would be easier for her to handle. Plus, the caregivers at the baby house don’t like the kids to get dirty so a cup is less messy. She loved opening the bottle (I had to help but I didn’t open it all the way) and pouring the tea into her cup. She started to pour it and then looked up at me as if to say, “Help me Mama” so I did. Another trust point for me in that she wanted me to help her do something. We pour a little bit of tea into her cup, screw the cap back on the bottle, and again she’s off to flip through her book. We did this several times today until the tea was gone. Then I asked Alina to throw the bottle into the garbage and she did. She likes to be tidy and neat. By the way things are organized in the orphanage, I wouldn’t expect anything else.
As you may or may not know, Alina has a skin condition called Icthyosis. It sounds worse than it is. There are many different forms of the condition and my baby has the mildest of the forms. Basically, she has dry skin all over her tiny little body. This condition actually runs in my family on my mother’s side. I know one of my uncles has it and one of my cousins. This condition is not life threatening but it has prevented her from being adopted in the past because the orphanage wouldn’t even show her to prospective parents because they thought no one would want to adopt her because of her skin condition. That is the Kazak way of thinking….I can’t judge them for it. This condition is very treatable with creams and lotions. It will never go away, but we can certainly control it. I spoke to a pediatrician before I left Memphis and she gave me loads of sample size lotions and creams to bring with me. I’ve been trying to put at least some lotion on Alina since last week but she would always protest. Well, today was not the case! I got to put some Aquaphor (this is like Vaseline but specifically made for very dry skin) on her face today and some Eurecin lotion on her legs, arms, and hands. Score trust points for me! I hope to continue doing this all the time I’m here. It will help her skin so much. I even left some Aquaphor at the orphanage and they have been putting it on her face. The place on her face looked so much better today and it looks like they have been putting it on the place next to her eye as well. That looked almost healed. I was soooo glad to see how much better her little face was today. I’ve been really worried about it but it seems they are trying to take care of it.
Something that broke my heart today was when I was holding her, she pointed toward the front gates of the orphanage and said something with Mama at the end of it. I had no idea what she was saying because Janine had not come back yet. I can only imagine it was something to the affect that she wants to leave this place with her mama. She’s actually said this before when Janine has been with us. I just told her in a calming voice that. “in just a few weeks you will be able to walk out those gates with your Mama and never have to come back.” After I said that, she looked at me like she actually understood what I said and laid her little head on my shoulder, wrapped her arms around my neck and laid there for a few minutes quietly sobbing. Just little tears but tears none the less. I was crying right along with her. It’s amazing to realize how much she knows about what’s happening to her and what has happened to other children in the orphanage that have been adopted. There is one child in the photo album that she recognizes. The other day, she pointed at this child and told us that his Mama came to take him home. It was the sweetest and saddest thing I’ve ever witnessed.
As our time together today was drawing to a close, the male doctor that was so nasty to us the other day comes up to me and starts talking in Kazak. I have no clue as to what he is saying but I have just seen Alina’s group in their undies and I figure they are going swimming. He is pointing in their direction and I can only assume he wants me to take her to her group. It was time to do so, so I didn’t protest. Alina and I were just outside the gazebo in the pathway so I had to return to the gazebo, Alina in my arms, and get my purse and camera. He seemed to get a little upset because he thought I wasn’t following his “orders”. I was not about to leave my stuff out in the open for anyone to pick up no matter who was telling me what to do. I never looked him in the face or even really acknowledged his presence. I left the toys and books behind and thought I would gather them after I gave Alina back to her nanny. As we head toward the front doors of the baby house, Alina starts crying and saying, “Maamama….Mamamaa”. She hasn’t done that in two days. But, I assured her I would be back tomorrow, kissed her on the cheek, and let the nanny take her out of my arms. I did not and will never give her back to a nanny. They will need to take her from me. I know that may sound weird and that I’m am making the nanny’s the bad guys but, she has to start trusting ME now and realize that I would never willingly give her to anyone. It breaks my heart every time I leave and she cries for me. I do it as quickly as I can to preserve my sanity and make it less traumatic for her. I can hear her little voice crying for me and as I walk back to the gazebo to gather her things. I take a deep breathe and remind myself that in a few short weeks, she will never have to cry like that again.
As I head back to the gazebo, Janette and Shirin return. We get in the taxi and drive back to the hotel. They ask me how my visit went and I told them it was great. I didn’t go into much detail. Only to tell them that I think Alina is feeling more comfortable with me each time we visit. Janette agreed as she spent the first 10 or 15 minutes with us at the beginning of our visit today. Janette assured me today that she sees no problems with me adopting Alina because of how Alina is reacting to me and that I had a kind heart. I thanked her in Kazak, Rahkmet (a-roc-myet). She is such a kind lady and is really working hard to get these children the families they deserve. She is going to be one busy lady in the next few weeks. Within the next three weeks, she will have five families in Taraz counting me. God bless her!

That’s all for today. Hope everyone is enjoying their summer. Tune in tomorrow!